The Wager
by Jubalii
Summary: Pip and Seras make a wager between themselves, even though they both know the outcome can't be good! After downing enough liquor to give the Cowardly Lion some courage (and cirrhosis) they head back to Hellsing manor to face their destiny; after all, it may just be their last night to live!
1. Chapter 1

Does the "I don't own Hellsing" Hand-fan dance

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><p>Seras lay on her back, kicking her feet into the air.<p>

"A-B-C-D," she sang over and over, a letter for each time a boot swung up into her vision. For some odd reason, the melody of those four letters was calming to her tonight and she looped them over and over, not keeping count of how many times she repeated it. "A-B-C-D, A-B-C-D, A-B-C-D." Slow, fast, and in varying pitches, she continued her exercises. Her legs never grew tired; no matter how many times she swung them, they seemed to refuse to protest.

"E" is the letter you're looking for," she was informed in a mocking tone. She turned her head to see Captain Bernadotte leaning in the doorway. He seemed to be enjoying the view, and she tugged her uniform top down over her exposed stomach before sticking out her tongue. He grinned and winked, although the gesture was almost lost with his lack of a left eye.

"We're going downtown for some entertainment," Pip explained, and suddenly the doorway groaned as all eighteen of the Wild Geese tried to crowd it at once, waving at her. "We just came down to see if you wanted to come along. It's rather boring around here tonight." Seras considered the crowd of unruly mercenaries, and then nodded.

"Sure, I'll come along," she agreed. She placed her palms beside her head, swinging both feet up and vaulting into the air before landing on her feet with the grace of a gymnast. The men clapped and cheered as she gave a mock bow before joining them.

They had barely made it out the door before the hairs stood on every man's body. All eighteen shivered and immediately moved closer to each other, their baser instincts remembering that there was safety in numbers. The Captain crunched his cigarette between his teeth, his eye widening as a tremor wracked his body as well. Only the girl in their midst seemed unperturbed; she twisted around to face the figure that had appeared behind them, her gaze curious and trusting. The men moved closer to her as well, not as much from chivalry as from the thought that being closer to her gave them some immunity over the monster behind them.

"And where are you headed, on such a lovely night?" All the Geese turned as one, but the question was not directed at them. The man stood behind them, as creepy as ever in his strange red garb and reflective sunglasses. Each felt a gaze pass over their body; each sighed internally in relief as they were dismissed without a single word being spoken. The vampire honed in on the tiny woman, who crossed her arms and tilted her head slightly, a picture of laidback composure.

"They invited me out to go have some fun. No one needed me, so I agreed to tag along." The two stared at each other for a long moment, having some sort of silent exchange before she turned on her heel, continuing out the door. The vampire looked at them all once more, a vicious smile spreading slowly across his face. His canines stood out, longer than any normal human's teeth and gleaming wetly in the light. The brave mercenaries backed away in repulsion and the smile widened to split his face.

"Sniveling cowards," he proclaimed, and a memory swam at the back of their minds of having been called that before. And just like the last time, they let the insult slip as they turned tail and made a beeline to follow the blonde woman and bask in her relative safety.

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><p>They walked together out of the manor's gates and down the sidewalk, acting like a bunch of teenage fools. The men shoved and tripped each other, laughing when someone couldn't correct themselves in time and stumbled onto the ground. Seras rolled her eyes, choosing to walk at the front of the line with Pip in order to keep from tripping over a fallen man. She knew that in a few hours they'd be drunk out of their minds and no one would end the night without having been sprawled on the sidewalk at least once.<p>

Seras breathed in the stale air of the city, choking slightly on the smog and bitter tasting air. Her enhanced senses made some things wonderful, but at times it could be a hassle. She finally just stopped breathing, only pushing air into her lungs when she needed to talk.

The men fought for a while about whether they should all go eat first, or go straight to the pub. Finally someone suggested they just eat _at _the pub and after a chorus of agreements they turned to head to their favorite joint. Seras tagged along; while jogging to keep up with the men's long strides, she tried to remember the last time she'd been on that side of town.

She couldn't pull up a good enough memory and abandoned the thought, but not before considering that as a woman, she would have to be on her guard. They were headed to the "bad" side, where there were more dark alleys than well-lit streets. However, the thought of it didn't bother her like it would have if she'd been human. Even dimly lit, she would be able to see perfectly well in the alleys, and a normal human wouldn't be able to hold a candle to her in combat now. She'd have no problems if someone had it in their head to try something.

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><p>"Greasy," the captain said sullenly as he stared at his plate of food, taking a long drink out of the mug in his hand before lapsing back into irritated, drunken silence. Seras smiled but said nothing, sipping the fruit juice she'd ordered demurely and watching the men flick coins at each other across the table and flirt with the women sitting at the bar.<p>

She'd made sure there was just enough alcohol mixed into her drink to cause a buzz, but not enough to counteract against her undead stomach. Fruit juice was alright to drink, and a small amount of the good stuff wouldn't mess her up _too _bad. She wasn't fully boozing and carousing like the men in her acquaintance, anyway. She just had a pleasantly fuzzy brain.

A young man caught her eye across the bustling pub and winked at her. She blushed and giggled softly, waving her fingers at him. He made to stand and suddenly Pip's fist slammed on the table, disrupting both their drinks. The startled young man sat back down and Seras punched the captain in the shoulder.

"What did you do that for?! He was cute," she pouted. "I'm getting drunken enough that I might have talked to him without being shy," she added. Pip glared stonily at her and sunk down into his chair. She sniffed haughtily and fluffed her hair before taking another sip, relishing the orange and pineapple flavors of her drink.

"If I let you talk to him," he began, his words slurred, "you-your vampire would murder me." Seras looked at him incredulously, one eyebrow arched.

"My vampire?" she asked, and he nodded with a surly frown. "He's not _my _vampire. He's my master, and who I see is my business and no one else's."

"No, he's your vampire." Pip turned his head up to glower at the ceiling, as though he considered the light fixture a personal insult. He emptied his drink and barked at one of his men to go get another. When a fresh glass was in his hand, he continued. "If he wasn't, I'd have made a pass at you myself. But everyone knows that you and him got… something."

He motioned to the loudly laughing men sitting across the table. "In'nt that right, boys? That vampire and this lady here's got_ something_," he pressed, waggling his eyebrows. The men began to whoop and made expressions among themselves, to the blonde's chagrin. Seras slammed her glass on the table, a thin crack running up the side.

"Oops," she muttered as she turned the crack to face the table so a waiter wouldn't see. She gathered herself up in a deep huff and stared down the Geese. "I," she began, her gaze serious, "have nothing with him." Pip waved his hand and another fresh drink appeared before her. Forgetting her one-drink rule and began to gulp the new glass, letting her frustration ride away on waves of fruit and rum. Why did everyone have to think that she and Alucard were a couple, just because they spent a lot of time together and she was the only one able to stand him?

"I bet you-_urp_- all my money," Pip said with a slight belch, "that you could walk right into Hellsing and kiss him, and he wouldn't do a damned thing to you." He sniffed and banged the table once with a fist, prompting a new soldier to run up for another drink. Seras finished her glass and didn't even notice who refilled it—it was just full again. Or did someone buy her another drink?

"I'll take that bet," she said bravely, and the other soldiers oohed as they closed in. "But you—you have to kiss… Sir Integra!" she called her wager triumphantly. "Loser has to pay the winner half their paycheck for the next two months."

"It's a deal, mate." They clumsily shook hands over the table before turning back to their drinks. Just one more… for courage.

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><p><strong>Afterword<strong>: Here's a nice little 2-shot for you. Had it written for a long time, but never posted it. Such is the way with Juju.


	2. Chapter 2

"There you are!" Sir Integra made her way across the foyer in three great strides, an angry expression on her face. The guffawing troupe at the door stopped, staring at her like deer caught in the headlights of an eighteen-wheeler on the freeway. "Do you have _any _idea what time it is?"

"Ahh," The Captain began, but she cut him off.

"It is 5:00 am, Captain Bernadotte! When I gave you leave to go for drinks with your men, I expected you to be back _hours _ago!" she declared, glowering at him with crossed arms. "And furthermore, the sun rises in less than a half-hour; you put Officer Victoria in danger, just because you were out carousing!" Pip blinked at her for a moment before turning slightly and elbowing the man nearest him, who was a fellow Frenchman.

"_Le patronne est en colère,_" he announced in a loud whisper, pointing his thumb at the fuming heiress. The man nodded with a roar of laughter. Sir Integra's eyes narrowed even further and she dragged Seras inside, not paying any attention to the way the girl stumbled slightly, or how her blue eyes were even shinier than usual.

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," she spat. "Look at you all! Disheveled, reeking of booze and cigarettes, and..." she paused, her eyes widening as she stared down at their feet, "Officer Dernov is missing his left shoe!"

"He is?" the officer in question slurred, looking down at his own feet curiously. His left foot was indeed bare, showing off his big toe through the hole in his worn-out sock. "Oh! Fancy that," he chuckled, wiggling the exposed toe.

"You drank yourselves into a blissful ignorance that nearly killed one of my vampires, and you are all too drunk to care!" she raved. "And _then _you have the nerve to show back up to work!" The Geese stared blankly at her, taking in her anger, before looking at one another and laughing nervously.

"Are—are you angry with us?" one asked. "I feel like you're angry with us." He cowered when Sir Integra directed the full force of her glare onto him. "Well, we did come back to work!" he whined.

"You got a problem, lady?" another grunted, crossing his arms and gazing at her blearily, his eyes rolling as if he were trying to focus in on her. "Cause we don't _gotta _work for you, you know."

"And you're on the fast track to getting fired too, soldier," Sir Integra retorted caustically, unfazed by the mercenary's attitude.

"Aw!" Pip laughed loudly, waving his hands and moving closer, stumbling slightly on the foyer's throw rug. "Don't mind 'im!" he said, jerking his head towards the angrier man. "He's always," he paused to burp slightly, his hand covering his mouth. "Oh, excuse me. He's always the jokester. He doesn't know when to stop."

He peered at his boss, moving closer than was socially acceptable and forcing Integra to take a step backwards. "You know, if you took off your glasses and threw on some different clothes, I think you'd be _trés séduisante_," he said with all the honesty that inebriation brings. Although her glare didn't soften her cheeks took on a pinker tone, suggesting that though she didn't speak the language, she knew exactly what he meant.

"Go home," she ordered quietly, her lips pursed in a tight line. "Sleep it off and come back tomorrow." Pip shook his head solemnly.

"Not until I see the wager and get my two month's extra pay," he proclaimed, and crossed his arms stubbornly.

"What?" Sir Integra asked, confused. She heard giggling and half-turned to see Seras swaying over by the wall, both hands over her mouth. "Officer Victoria, do you have something to add?"

"Teehee!" she tittered, before addressing the Geese. "You got in trouble!" she said in a sing-song tone, pointing at Pip. Then, her face drained of all gaiety and looked almost sober. "You just wait," she said, a slight slur to her words as she licked her lips. "There's nothing—nothing between me and… and that other guy." She snapped her fingers, wracking her head. "You know, Alu-what's-his-name." She waved her hand at Integra. "He's the one that's gonna be paying _me_," she avowed.

"Alucard?" Sir Integra asked, now thoroughly baffled. Why would Alucard be paying Seras anything? He didn't make a salary. Seras laughed so hard she snorted.

"No, you silly goose!" she snickered. "_The Captain_!" she explained, like that was supposed to clear everything up. She turned, looking around the foyer with a strange, pensive quietness. "Where's he, anyway?"

"I'm here," Pip said, and she turned back around, rolling her eyes.

"Not you!" she shouted, her voice ringing in the large, empty space. She turned on her heel, nearly falling into an end table before walking with a swaying motion towards the stairs leading to the basement. "Master! Oh, Master!" she sang at the top of her lungs. "I wonder where he's at," she repeated to herself, though it was loud enough that everyone heard.

She had turned back to Integra when the floor dissolved into shadow and Alucard came up from the basement. The intoxicated Geese screamed as one and backed behind their employer.

"Holy hell!" one yelped in a falsetto. "Didja see that?!"

"He's a damn monster!" the others affirmed noisily.

"Shut up before he hears you, dumbasses!" Pip shouted over them. "Hehehe," he chuckled nervously, looking at Alucard. "Don't mind them; they're just being incompetent fools."

"Clearly," Alucard responded scathingly, looking at them over his glasses. "Police Girl, this racket is unacceptable," he told Seras, who didn't act like she even heard. She bit her lip and winked, trying to get across the room to where he stood. She tripped and flailed, Alucard catching her by the collar before she hit the floor.

"Whoopsie!" she laughed, popping back up and fluffing her hair like nothing had happened. She looked up at him, biting her lower lip and giving a rather unsteady wink. The Geese and Integra couldn't see his eyes behind his sunglasses, but up close Seras could see the flash of bewilderment that was quickly hidden in his gaze. "Hey," she drawled, punching his shoulder lightly. "Alucard, just the guy I was looking for!"

"What?!" he hissed, unable to conceal the raw astonishment in his voice at his fledgling's uncharacteristic behavior. She chuckled and crooked her finger, raising her eyebrows twice with another wink.

"Com'ere a minute," she ordered. When he didn't move, she waved her entire arm, throwing herself off-balance. "Get down here! I gotta say something!" she nearly shrieked. He watched her a moment longer before obligingly bending to her level. She grabbed his collar and jerked him the rest of the way. She pushed her cheek to his, her hand tight on his chin.

"Listen, don't tell Master," she slurred, holding up her other hand in a warning gesture. "But I kinda make this bet with Pip that I could kiss you and nothing happen, because you and I got nothing going on between us." She shook her head and peeked beneath his chin to see if the Captain had overheard. Satisfied that he hadn't, she pressed their cheeks together again.

"So don't read too deep into what I'm about to do," she whispered conspiratorially, her eyes both tipsy and serious. "I mean, you're handsome and all, but let's be real, okay?" She gave him a scorching glance. "If you want this," she said, motioning to her body, "you're gonna have to work pre-tty hard."

"A kiss," Alucard repeated coldly, one brow arching imperiously. "And you really think I'll—" Whatever he was going to say was muffled as she quickly turned around and pressed her lips to his for a full three seconds. Breaking away, she smiled and patted his cheek before turning and laughing confidently, waving a hand at the awed group.

"Ha-ha! See?" she said, pointing at Alucard, who had already straightened and ran this thumb lightly over his mouth, wiping the taste of alcohol from his lips with an indignant frown. "I told you all: there's _nothing _between us!" The Geese oohed and aahed, nudging their captain with large smiles. "Your turn, mon capitaine," Seras added triumphantly. The Captain snuck a glance at his employer, who had been watching Seras' antics with wide eyes. She looked back at him and, perhaps realizing what he was liable to do, backed away another step.

"If you even dare, Captain Bernadotte," she warned solemnly, "you _will _be thrown in the dungeons and released on charges of harassment." The man's face crumpled.

"B-b-but!" he protested feebly, inching forward. "Two month's pay! _Two month's pay_! I can't live on _nothing_!"

"Well, considering what I've seen here tonight, I think two months with no extra income would be quite beneficial to you," Integra replied coldly. "No money for alcohol and cigarettes means that you'll sober up; maybe now I can get some competent workers for a change." She turned to Seras. "For the record, Police Girl, you can expect a dock in pay as well, for even going along with such a foolhardy scheme."

"What!?" Seras shrieked, putting her hands on her hips and swaying where she stood. "That's not fair! I didn't do anything wrong!"

"We'll chalk it up to overindulgence and showing up to work inebriated," Integra answered smoothly. "Perhaps your new lover can let you borrow some money." Seras blinked in confusion before pointing questioningly to Alucard. Integra nodded and the Draculina sputtered incomprehensibly, eyeing him warily. "Now, if you'll excuse me, I have work to do. Alucard—do make sure that Agent Victoria manages to get into her coffin without falling down the basement stairs."

"As you wish, my master," the ancient vampire bowed and then picked Seras up by the collar, letting her dangle in the air a moment before disappearing in a swirl of shadow. The Geese looked at each other and then sighed as one, turning to finally obey their employer and head home. Their heads were beginning to pound and the fuzziness was slowly wearing off, predicating a _much larger _headache in the morning.

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><p>"Serves you right," Seras said imperiously. "Thinking you could embarrass me like that." She unloaded her gun on the target, watching the men moan and cover their ears with a sense of wicked glee. They all looked wearily at her, bags under their eyes and headaches pounding at their skulls.<p>

"Guess you didn't know that vampires don't get hangovers."


End file.
